Another Season of “Firsts”

 

I thought all the “firsts” were over after the first year.  I was dead wrong.  I didn’t count on the holidays being harder this year than the first time around.

When Covid was in full force, I was isolated and alone.  No one was going to other people’s houses, and I stayed home by myself on each and every holiday, from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day.

It was awful, and I missed our former life together terribly.  The emptiness inside me was unbearably difficult.

Some people say the second year after your loved one’s death isn’t as hard because you’ve experienced all the “firsts” during the initial year.  First Christmas, birthday, anniversary, death date.

Others say that the opposite is true because the numbness and shock have worn off somewhat, and you feel the sadness more.

But this last year was more back to normal than the previous year.  Thanksgiving Day was held at my brother’s house like it had been in the past.  It was a delayed “first” because it was the first time I had to go to a Holiday celebration by myself.

There were more “firsts” to endure – Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  There were get-togethers with relatives, but it would be the first time going solo.  It wasn’t easy.  I tried to be asleep by midnight on New Year’s Eve so I wouldn’t feel so isolated, wishing she were here.

It’s a stark realization that I am totally alone, even when I am with someone.

Just another season of “firsts.”

 

Janie